we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
Thats not real though. Slash there are other extenuating circumstances to lead me to believe dick is wanted
HOLY FUCK I SPELLED EXTENUATING RIGHT ON THE FIRST TRY. IM THE BEST DRUNK NA
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
