Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
I ate at the cafeteria for the first time yesterday and today I think I had an hour long fart.
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