You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
