Good. You are like the clit whisperer.
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
If I interpreted our horoscopes correctly...you should be coming home with an 8 ball. Just saying.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
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