can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
Randomize
