there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
they call him Oral-B. enough said
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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