He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Were playing beruit winners pelt losers with eggs
I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Randomize
