Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
I possibly am a tad bit not really but maybe slightly intoxicated.
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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