when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
Well.. If you trust a test that only costs a dollar, I'm not pregnant
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
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