There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
