Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
I AHVE A WINE BUCKETTTTTTT
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I had sex on a seadoo on the middle of the lake lastnight
Pretty sure I'm partying in a onesie right now.
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