dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
