Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
Randomize
