my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
Is posting a pic on insta of my previously dyed blue pubes socially acceptable?
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
You were yelling at a tree saying it should be in the forest..
Don't judge me.
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
