then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
you made out with another girl for some wings
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Randomize
