The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
Also, my old intern Lizzie whom you fed pizza to last night wants to hang out with you
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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