Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
