dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
We tried to play doctor all sexually then he was taking down my 'symptoms' I said I needed to puke he thought it was part of the game
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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