you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Randomize
