How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
