tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
sexting loses it's worth when you accidentally text your boss.
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
i need something from you. video yourself doing naked jumping jacks and send it to me. it will make me smile
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
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