we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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