I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
