guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
Now i know why people get high. I sat in the same chair for about 3 hours and the only thing i worried about was how far away my chinese food was.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
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