What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I just masturbated and watched youtube makeup videos, which was just an extension of masturbation.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Also lets pinky promise right now that we will NOT play "Pony" outside of each other's rooms if we have a hook up over
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
