I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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