Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I want her autograph on my taint
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
Do you think showing up at his door with bourbon and chicken is too forward?
He's gonna turn my vagina into the Sahara desert
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
