3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
An hour is enough time for me to get drunk and win a dry hump marathon so I hope you have somewhat similar or better goals
He is nice. Kind of short though. But didn't try to rub his jean cock on me.
Which I appreciated.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Lobby closes at 2 AM on Thursday, but everyone walking still wants food... I could run a "Taco Bell Taxi" when I clock off at 2 and charge a dollar to give drunks a ride through drive thru.
Someones thought of a way to afford tuition.
Randomize
