I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Randomize
