I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I'm taking tokes in the bath tub, come if you want, I'm naked and you have to bring chicken nuggets or else you can't come in
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
