im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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