can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
