True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
One day he'll find out I do drugs and stop talking to me.
What will you do then?
Drugs, probably.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
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