wrigley field is MILF paradise
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
THE STRIPPER HAD A GUN JOHN!
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