Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Okay hun. Well my neighbors haven't called the cops yet so I think we're good. No more burning in the yard.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
