they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I have now ridden the bus with a ninja, a samurai and Jesus. Who says the bus is for losers.
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
as soon as his mom opened the door to let me in the house she asked if i would like a shot
it's gonna be a great weekend
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You're married and I'm going to make out with a stranger tonight. Isn't that weird? It's like a gap in the time space continium.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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