My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
I'm sitting by the window waiting for the sun to go down so that I can start drinking.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
That's the last time we joust in Radio Flyer wagons after margarita night.
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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