i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I was scared that I should know him but I was too busy blacking out to remember
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Randomize
