I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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