Everytime we come here you have an ex here.
there was a trapeze. enough said
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I joked that if anyone could fuck a 35 year old woman while wearing head bands and arm sweat bands it's you and look what happens.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
PS: when I ask you if I look fat in a a dress DO NOT TAKE YOUR SWEET ASS GAY TIME to formulate an answer only to tell me in front of our family that perhaps I should buy Spanx. Do you WANT me to tell mom and dad you suck cock? Then be a good brother and have the common decency to LIEEEEEE!!!!
I just had sex with the megalodon show on in the background and it was just as magical as it sounds
Randomize
