If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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