We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
When a man can't even pay attention to you when you're telling him about how big his penis is, there's something wrong
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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