i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
just got dressed up for chatroulette- THAT desperate.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
where are my eyebrows?
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
Randomize
