i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
My dream of liquor pitchers came true
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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