just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Like if Ohio doesn't think I can get smashed on wine I will gladly prove them wrong
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
