i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
I'm at Lowes and I'm constantly looking for things to vomit in, just in case
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
You humped everything and cried in an uber.
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Randomize
