There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
Randomize
