so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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