May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that
The one time my sister did shrooms she thought she was thumbalina. I can't live my life that way
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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