i cant decide if i should go fuck j*** or keep watching real genius
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?
apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
he told me that he only likes small dogs. I should have known he was going to end up being little bitch.
You know something is wrong with your life when your mom is at the bar getting free tequila shots and you aren't
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
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